Looking back....

I was bored and I started looking back on my older blog posts.
As I was reading I realized I can slowly see my depression progressing.
I never thought it was that noticeable but after reading my earlier posts which were full of jokes and were bubbly and then reading some of my newer posts which are just blah. Not funny, not full of fun.
What happened?
And then I realized my life has been a whirlwind of stress, fights with my family, family drama, and massive anxiety.

The past 2 years have been terrible.
I've had to deal with family coming to visit and staying way too long.
My dad attacking me and blaming me for things that weren't even my fault.
My brother moving in with us (we don't have anything in common and don't really get along)
Fights with my mom over the above problem.
FIghts with my kids about sharing their toys because they have to share a room and no one gets what they want.

MANY MANY MANY fights.

I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
I just want my family back to normal.
Where everyone sort of gets along and no one is yelling at anyone for anything.

I feel like my kids suffer the most from all of this.
No one wants to visit us anymore
No one wants to go places with us anymore
I go everywhere by myself. And I mean everywhere.
Its a rare occasion when someone actually WANTS to come with us.
Why?
Because no one wants to start a fight over nothing or bring anything up that will start a fight.
No one ever has anything nice to say.
We all have something to complain about.
It's very frustrating.

It's hard to get on my blog and be bubbly and write about things that are funny when nothing is really funny right now and hasn't been. Which is probably why I haven't been writing as often as I used to.

It's not just my family issues.
I've had health issues which I think is also from stress.

I need to find a way to improve myself so I can be happy again.
So I've decided when Matthew starts school and I can afford it, I'm going to get some exercise equipment and start working out. Better my body and maybe my body won't attack me anymore and I can start feeling better.
And in the words of Elle Woods,

" Exercise gives you endorphin's. Endorphin's make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't"

Only in my case its not my husband, its my family.

I just wanna feel good again.
I don't want to feel like a crazy, ready to snap at any moment freak anymore.

Kudos to my husband for having to put up with all these issues and my emotions. It's a lot to take.

Sorry for the depressing rant but I needed an outlet.

I think with Matthew starting school next week its opening feelings that I didn't know were an issue.
He's starting kindergarten! I feel like its the end of his baby/toddler stage and the next thing I know he's going to be graduation....
I know he's going to have so much fun and I know it will be a welcome break from him... I just don't want him to grow up.

Next post will probably be from his first day.....


I'm not ready.